Aurora: THC Indica Aces
5 pre-rolls $38.95
0.5g per roll
Piney back end
Definite throat tickle
"Are you going to start shoveling?" asks my wife, just as I discovered Gargoyles on Disney+. "Yeah, I guess." I pull away from the TV as my eldest settles in and the Gargoyles theme song gets going. Throwing on all the important winter gear, I discover an Ace in my pocket. An Aurora Aces Pre-roll sends me out the door with confidence. The brisk, cold air combined with the citrusy, piney smoke hit the back of my throat and I immediately cough my brains out. Hot damn, I'm baked. When I recover from my coughing fit, I try and finish the rest of the doobie, which in hindsight was unnecessary. I put my shoveling game-face on and survey the field. Being stoned, my OCD is magnified and every push of the shovel requires symmetry and precision. This also means that finishing the driveway takes a lot longer, as I now have no concept of time. I come to the last strip of driveway along the passenger side of our Civic and my eldest's window has been down the whole FREAKING NIGHT! "ROAR" (I actually shouted a number of profanities in Spanish), my stonage cracks away, I fly into the house, grab the remote to the TV and shout "Child safety locks!" and turn the power off.
RIFF: Subway Scientist
1 pre-roll $11.10
1g per roll
This strain is greenhouse-grown in a natural and ecologically friendly environment and has a very strong THC potency. It is said to have a berry scent, which is created by a complex terpene profile that includes myrcene, limonene, linalool and beta-pinene.
Mild fruit/lavender taste
Light citrus flavour on the back end
Mild dank smell
Monday night was finally coming to an end. Dinner was mental—all three kids learned to reach new octave levels. The wife HAD to finish all the Christmas cards before she called it a night, and I was ready to unplug. I decided to step out and attend a lecture from the RIFF Subway Scientist pre-roll. Coming back in, the lights seemed hundreds of micromoles brighter. The wife said I was too pungent to sit at the table and help her with the cards (which was a positive side effect). For a moment, I thought I was too levitated. I deduced that I required humour to alleviate the paranoia of having to help with the Christmas cards. I hypothesized that Super Troopers 2 would lead to the most positive results of this mad experiment. My findings led to explosive laughter on several occasions and the total demolecularization of two Cinnabons and a full bag of Smarties Snax.
3 pre-rolls $17.05
0.35g per roll
Grown under LED; machine-trimmed; said to have peppery spice, wood, dill, parsley, basil, pine and rosemary notes.
Packaging is environmentally friendly (all cardboard)
Light throat tickle
It was a long day of Santa mall photos with my wife and three kids. After the kids went to bed and the wife was wrapping gifts, I went out to smoke a 48North Indica pre-roll. When I came back in, I proceeded to put together a pair of reindeer lawn decorations. They were wired and covered in gold glitter—so much glitter that I tied a bandana around my face because I was afraid I would inhale the glitter. Cleaning up, I attempted to pick up every single piece of gold glitter that I thought my one-year-old would attempt to eat. Feeling accomplished and deserving of another doobie (second of three), I indulged and proceeded to watchRick and Mortyand finish an extra-large tube of Pringles. That night, I dreamed I had contracted a glitter cold—every time I sneezed, a plume of gold glitter would shoot out of my nose.
Wink: No. 01
2 pre-rolls $26.75
0.5g per roll
Soil grown; hand-trimmed; said to exhibit smells and tastes of strawberry and citrus notes, with woody and earthy undertones.
After slugging through various emails and listening to the draining impeachment hearings in the background, I needed a change of pace. I stepped out and lit a 0.5 gram Wink No. 01 pre-roll. Coming back in, I turned off the TV, threw on the Ongoing History of New Music episode on Arcade Fire and began putting away the laundry for the entire household. An hour later, all of the upstairs was tidied and my admiration of both Alan Cross and Arcade Fire had gone up several notches. I then proceeded to eat a toasted jalapeño bagel sandwich with Black Forest ham, smoked gouda and Dijon mustard with two (then three) side pickles. While I’m eating my third pickle, I think to myself: if Trump had a radio show, he’d definitely collude with Nickelback.
Canopy Growth: Sativa THC Pre-Roll
1 pre-roll $10.70
1g per roll
Canadian-grown, very strong THC potency with minimal CBD levels.
A bit of spiciness
Nutty/earthy on the back end
Little throat tickle
As a grower, I spend a LOT of time with plants. Ideally, if I’m going to work on plants all day, I need to stay hydrated, with tunes playing, and I’ll probably end up smoking at least one doobie over the course of the day. (The plants appreciate it when I’m in a positive mood.) I go for my second coffee and set out with a Canopy pre-roll. It’s too big for one person—during the day, with stuff to do—so I don't smoke it all in one go. It’s smooth, and it doesn’t take effect after the first few hauls, so I keep at’r. I’m more than halfway when I’m like “Wow, I’m more than halfway,” and my buzz has crept in and I’m baked—maybe too baked, so the proper course of action is sustenance. I head back inside, microwave a few taquitos, pull out some salsa and guac, and I pour a huge glass of watermelon juice. By the time I go back into the grow room, Nina Simone is streaming, my buzz has mellowed, I’m arms-deep in plants and I’m feelin’ gooood!