Cannabis

Know Your Pre-Rolls

I’ve rolled several thousands of joints/doobies/spliffs in my day. I’ve been rolling joints since I smelled like teen spirit and and was insane in the membrane. There’s something too perfect about the pre-roll. It’s hard to fail with ready-to-go ganja. I mean, there’s no grinding, looking for papers or the need for the right environmental conditions to roll. Just pop into your local OCS, say “Pre-roll, please,” and then decide what awesomeness you and that pre-roll will get up to. Herewith is the start of a beautiful partnership. I landed my dream job: my job is to review joints. (See, mama? You said my being a pothead would never amount to anything, but I knew that being a cannabis enthusiast would!) Here are my joint reviews and a bit about the ensuing adventures.

Aurora: THC Indica Aces

5 pre-rolls $38.95

0.5g per roll

indica-dominant

THC: 12-22%

CBD: 0.0-1.0%

TERPENES:

Alpha-Pinene

Guaiol

Terpineol

PERSONAL NOTES:

It's potent

Lemon citrus

Piney back end

Mild spice

Definite throat tickle

Quick stone

Burns fast

"Are you going to start shoveling?" asks my wife, just as I discovered Gargoyles on Disney+. "Yeah, I guess." I pull away from the TV as my eldest settles in and the Gargoyles theme song gets going. Throwing on all the important winter gear, I discover an Ace in my pocket. An Aurora Aces Pre-roll sends me out the door with confidence. The brisk, cold air combined with the citrusy, piney smoke hit the back of my throat and I immediately cough my brains out. Hot damn, I'm baked. When I recover from my coughing fit, I try and finish the rest of the doobie, which in hindsight was unnecessary. I put my shoveling game-face on and survey the field. Being stoned, my OCD is magnified and every push of the shovel requires symmetry and precision. This also means that finishing the driveway takes a lot longer, as I now have no concept of time. I come to the last strip of driveway along the passenger side of our Civic and my eldest's window has been down the whole FREAKING NIGHT! "ROAR" (I actually shouted a number of profanities in Spanish), my stonage cracks away, I fly into the house, grab the remote to the TV and shout "Child safety locks!" and turn the power off.

RIFF: Subway Scientist

1 pre-roll $11.10

1g per roll

indica-dominant

THC: 15-29%

CBD: 0.0-1.0%

This strain is greenhouse-grown in a natural and ecologically friendly environment and has a very strong THC potency. It is said to have a berry scent, which is created by a complex terpene profile that includes myrcene, limonene, linalool and beta-pinene.

TERPENES:

Myrcene

Limonene

Beta-Pinene

PERSONAL NOTES:

Smooth

Mild fruit/lavender taste

Light citrus flavour on the back end

Mild dank smell

Sedative effect

Monday night was finally coming to an end. Dinner was mental—all three kids learned to reach new octave levels. The wife HAD to finish all the Christmas cards before she called it a night, and I was ready to unplug. I decided to step out and attend a lecture from the RIFF Subway Scientist pre-roll. Coming back in, the lights seemed hundreds of micromoles brighter. The wife said I was too pungent to sit at the table and help her with the cards (which was a positive side effect). For a moment, I thought I was too levitated. I deduced that I required humour to alleviate the paranoia of having to help with the Christmas cards. I hypothesized that Super Troopers 2 would lead to the most positive results of this mad experiment. My findings led to explosive laughter on several occasions and the total demolecularization of two Cinnabons and a full bag of Smarties Snax.

48North Indica

3 pre-rolls $17.05

0.35g per roll

indica-dominant

THC: 16-22%

CBD: 0.0-2.0%

Grown under LED; machine-trimmed; said to have peppery spice, wood, dill, parsley, basil, pine and rosemary notes.

TERPENES:

Alpha-Pinene

Beta-Caryophyllene

Beta-Pinene

PERSONAL NOTES:

Packaging is environmentally friendly (all cardboard)

Medium strength

Peppery taste

Light throat tickle

Heavier stone

Burns quick

Standard-quality roll

It was a long day of Santa mall photos with my wife and three kids. After the kids went to bed and the wife was wrapping gifts, I went out to smoke a 48North Indica pre-roll. When I came back in, I proceeded to put together a pair of reindeer lawn decorations. They were wired and covered in gold glitter—so much glitter that I tied a bandana around my face because I was afraid I would inhale the glitter. Cleaning up, I attempted to pick up every single piece of gold glitter that I thought my one-year-old would attempt to eat. Feeling accomplished and deserving of another doobie (second of three), I indulged and proceeded to watchRick and Mortyand finish an extra-large tube of Pringles. That night, I dreamed I had contracted a glitter cold—every time I sneezed, a plume of gold glitter would shoot out of my nose.

Wink: No. 01

2 pre-rolls $26.75

0.5g per roll

indica-dominant

THC: 12.0-17.0%

CBD: 0.0-1.99%

Soil grown; hand-trimmed; said to exhibit smells and tastes of strawberry and citrus notes, with woody and earthy undertones.

TERPENES:

Alpha-Pinene

Beta-Caryophyllene

Humulene

Myrcene

Ocimene

PERSONAL NOTES:

Light

Woody taste

Mild citrus

Relaxing

Cerebral

Mild stone

After slugging through various emails and listening to the draining impeachment hearings in the background, I needed a change of pace. I stepped out and lit a 0.5 gram Wink No. 01 pre-roll. Coming back in, I turned off the TV, threw on the Ongoing History of New Music episode on Arcade Fire and began putting away the laundry for the entire household. An hour later, all of the upstairs was tidied and my admiration of both Alan Cross and Arcade Fire had gone up several notches. I then proceeded to eat a toasted jalapeño bagel sandwich with Black Forest ham, smoked gouda and Dijon mustard with two (then three) side pickles. While I’m eating my third pickle, I think to myself: if Trump had a radio show, he’d definitely collude with Nickelback.

Canopy Growth: Sativa THC Pre-Roll

1 pre-roll $10.70

1g per roll

sativa-dominant

THC: 15.5-23.5%

CBD: 0.0-1.0%

Canadian-grown, very strong THC potency with minimal CBD levels.

TERPENES:

Alpha-Pinene

Alpha-Santalene

Beta-Caryophyllene

Myrcene

Selinadienes

PERSONAL NOTES:

Mild smoke

Citrus flavour

A bit of spiciness

Nutty/earthy on the back end

Little throat tickle

Cerebral buzz

Solid stone

As a grower, I spend a LOT of time with plants. Ideally, if I’m going to work on plants all day, I need to stay hydrated, with tunes playing, and I’ll probably end up smoking at least one doobie over the course of the day. (The plants appreciate it when I’m in a positive mood.) I go for my second coffee and set out with a Canopy pre-roll. It’s too big for one person—during the day, with stuff to do—so I don't smoke it all in one go. It’s smooth, and it doesn’t take effect after the first few hauls, so I keep at’r. I’m more than halfway when I’m like “Wow, I’m more than halfway,” and my buzz has crept in and I’m baked—maybe too baked, so the proper course of action is sustenance. I head back inside, microwave a few taquitos, pull out some salsa and guac, and I pour a huge glass of watermelon juice. By the time I go back into the grow room, Nina Simone is streaming, my buzz has mellowed, I’m arms-deep in plants and I’m feelin’ gooood!